Lots of people have experienced sexual anxiety. Feeling anxious about our sex skills is totally normal, but it can really ruin a horny moment when it happens more than not
I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I’ve learned in therapy that anxiety is a future-oriented emotion. The majority of my anxiety comes from future-tripping – what if they have a terrible time? Maybe they think I’m too loose! I forgot to shave. They’re gonna leave me!
Because of these anxious thoughts, I try to stay present when it comes to sex and not focus on a particular outcome. What can I say? I wasn’t born knowing how to bang.
Sexual anxiety is something that people of all ages deal with, even if they consider themselves a sexual dynamo. Sometimes, this type of anxiety can be situational and pop up because of a new sexual encounter. Other people might find it hard to have great sex on a regular basis because they have an anxiety disorder. Oh hello!
WHAT CAUSES SEXUAL ANXIETY?
The most recognized causes of sexual anxiety are feeling insecure about how well we do in bed, what we look like, or trouble with general intimacy.
Sexual anxiety can appear differently in males and females, but for the most part, it’s related to the fear that whatever they do in the boudoir may be disappointing for their partner. Because of this fear, females may lose interest in sex, have trouble getting aroused, or have difficulty having an orgasm. It can be more obvious in males, like difficulty getting an erection, keeping an erection, or cumming too soon.
Sometimes, a past traumatic experience - possibly sexual violence can cause anxiety. Or sexual anxiety can result from the way we were raised - feelings of guilt or shame around sex and our bodies. Anyone remember the old saying - if you keep doing that, you’ll go blind! And of course, there are social expectations or “norms” that influence our relationship with our sexuality - I can’t do that! They’ll think I’m a freak!
WHAT CAN WE DO TO SQUASH OUR DOUBTS AND FEARS?
OWN YOUR BODY
Body image is huge for achieving a fantastic sex life. If we feel insecure about the way our body looks, we may worry about whether or not our partner finds us hot and sexy. Body issues can seriously put a damper on a good time.
Remember, kids, boobs, and balls come in all shapes and forms. That random hair coming out of your nip? Fuck it. Just pluck it! There is nothing wrong with our bodies, so we have to OWN THEM! But how? How do I own my body? I can’t stop thinking about my dimples, scars, and gut! This is something that can be worked on.
I have an idea. Let’s all take off our clothes- stay with me- and dance naked in front of a mirror! We focus only on what we like about our bodies and then write it down. It’ll be like naked affirmations. We have to get comfortable in our skin by taking action and acknowledging everything we like about this meat suit we live in!
Another obstacle that may contribute to sexual anxiety is the lack of solid sex education. Can you believe I didn’t know what anal beads were until I was 25? Clearly, I was raised by wolves.
Seriously, we have to learn as much as we can about sex and what works and doesn’t work for us.
Everyone is different, so don’t beat yourself up. If your best friend can cum while hanging from a potted plant attached to the ceiling, but when you try it, it hurts your back, praise be it’s not your thing.
You can learn a different technique. You could make up your own! Try toys. Use lube. And trust me, the missionary position will always be there for you. Ask your mother. It’s only logical that once we know what we like and are confident in it, the less anxiety we’ll have in the moment. But if you are having trouble letting go in bed and are generally having a hard time with sexual anxiety, you may want to see a sex therapist. Why not? They exist for a reason!
Once you know what you like, you have to communicate your needs to your partner. Ask for what you want! Who wouldn’t want to tickle you with the peacock feather you got on Etsy? Say it loud and proud!
We have to communicate openly with our partners about our sexual needs. If we trust this person enough to get it on with them, we have to have the guts to tell them if something isn’t working - um, sweetie, wrong hole. You could also encourage them to do more of something that is working - that butt plug is everything! Do not throw that away, babe!
Open communication is the best way to go if you’re worried about taking a long time to orgasm, unable to stay aroused, or being afraid that you won’t even become aroused at all.
A study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found that “greater amounts of sexual communication were associated with increased orgasm frequency in women and greater relationship and sexual satisfaction in both sexes.” See? If we want amazing sex, we have to spell it out. But it’s easier said than done. To get to open, honest mind-blowing sex, we have to remember nobody is letting anyone down. We are all deserving of having our sexual needs satisfied. To be victorious in the bedroom or on the kitchen table, we have to let go of our preconceived notions and personal judgments about how sex is supposed to be. We have to get to know our bodies and what brings us to that oh-oh-oh so awesome place. Because whoever you’re mounting or dismounting wants to be with you - you sexy delicious creature! Just remember, embrace your body, stay in the moment, and speak up. This will allow for a less anxious, fully realized sexual encounter!