Talk Dirty to Me: Communication Guide For Those Shy Under the Sheets


Editor’s Note

No matter how shy you or your partner may be, everyone can increase their sexual experience with communication. In this post, Shelley offers you a practical approach to how to talk dirty with confidence, get the pleasure you’re craving, and encourage your partner to keep the convo going.

Communication is crucial in any relationship - work, home, family, friends –especially with your sexual partner. So why is pillow talk often seen as taboo? How on earth can you know if your partner is getting everything they want unless you ask? And vice versa for that matter…

Is it possible to have good sex without talking? Absolutely. But why settle for good when it can be great? No matter how shy you or your partner may be, everyone’s bedroom experience can increase with communication. Here’s how to talk dirty with confidence, get the pleasure you’re craving, and encourage your partner to keep the convo going.


Talk Dirty with Confidence


Dirty talk can increase sexual pleasure tenfold, the trick is to feel safe expressing your inner freak. If you’re introducing bedroom chatter with your partner for the first time, treat it like you would foreplay - work your way up to any solid conversation or request. So instead of saying the filthiest thing in your mind right off the bat, kick things off with a little flirtation, especially in the form of a compliment. Everyone likes to know they’re doing a good job, whether you’re a barista or a bottom.

Begin with pleasurable moans when you feel aroused to key your partner in on what feels good. Then open the door to say what turns you on or what you find hot about them. A little whisper in their ear will not only let the object of your affection know how you’re feeling, but the breath around that sensitive spot will give them chills for days. Then, as your pleasure and comfort-level increase, so should the 4-letter words.


Ask and Ye Shall Receive


The only way to get exactly what you want is to ask for it, so be as proactive under the sheets as you are about getting that promotion. Although before you make any request, always consider the following:

  • Is it mutually beneficial? Is your request something that will be enjoyable for your partner or is it all about you? If your question feels one-sided, think of something you could do for him or her to even the playing field. By doing so, you’ll get them so aroused to make you happy because they know they’re going to be rewarded. BIG time.
  • Will your request be difficult for that person? Consider the size of the request. Are you asking for your partner to be superhuman? Or is it a small adjustment that would make a world of difference? To see if you’re being fair, the best test is to ask yourself “Is this something I’m willing to do?”
  • Is it a deal breaker if you don’t get it? If you have three things you’d like to try or adjustments you’d like your partner to make, take it slow. You don’t want to create overwhelm or cause them to feel self-conscious. One request at a time - start with your most important favor and let the small things go for the moment.


Sandwich Approach


No, it’s not a kinky sex position. This is an old-fashioned, but effective way to give feedback or ask for something. The idea is to stay grateful to your partner and acknowledge things they’re doing right before telling them how it could be better.

Sometimes we forget to say thank you because we know how good it felt, so we just assume they know. But that’s not always the case, and at the moment, there aren’t a lot of Hallmark cards out there that say, “hey, thanks for that tongue thing you do so well.”

Instead of saying:
“Hey! I need you to do ___.”

Sandwich that request with genuine compliments like:
“I really love that you’re doing “X.” (Compliment)
“It would feel incredible if you did “Y.” (Request)
“Because you really turn me on.” (Compliment)

Doesn’t that sound nice? It’s not an original approach, but you’d be surprised at how much more receptive people are when they feel appreciated.


Encourage Your Boo to Speak Up


It’s so easy to get into our heads and become self-conscious. If you sense that your partner is uncomfortable with dirty talk or just asking for what they want, don’t add extra pressure by pushing them too hard. It’s perfectly fine to say, “Tell me what you like,” but nagging them to talk dirty during sex can add extra frustration and have a reverse effect – major mood killer. Lead by example and show, don’t tell.

Most of the time, if you’re intimate enough with someone to have sex, the door is open to talk about it. Find your style, learn what puts your partner at ease, and enjoy a hotter sex life with good old-fashioned communication.