Hello. My name is Erika, and I was a magnet for fuckboys. If you’re reading this, you must suspect you’re one too. I’ve been single for over seven years, but by no means does that mean I’m not getting any. I made an active choice to embrace the journey of self-discovery that being single brings. Along that journey, I’ve occasionally been derailed and ended up in the land of situationships. I lived there. I was their queen. It wasn’t that I just loved these short-term emotional rollercoasters but having some sort of intimacy felt more normal than nothing at all.
That mindset opened the door for le fuckboy to two-step into my life. I’ll be inclusive here: fuckfolx are commitment-phobes that siphon energy and affection off of unsuspecting victims who are just looking for love. Ironically, looking for stability from temporary people is the magnetic field that attracts a fuckfolk.
Once I realized all of this, I was able to resist the pull. I figured out how to stop giving off the vibes of a woman who needed to be reminded of her power. That’s how I stopped attracting incompatible lovers. Here’s how you can too.
My cravings for intimacy are complex. I love affection and care. I yearn for touch and attention. I’m also known to take voluntary hiatuses from socially interactions. Sometimes my hiatuses can go on for months—the longest lasted 9 months. Yes. 9 months. Without sex too. After this episode, when I opened up the possibilities of sex and dating again, I must’ve had the filter for fuckfolx toggled because they trickled in one by one. If you can conjure it, I’ve probably dated that type.
Type 1: We’re Basically in a Relationship Already
This type of fuckfolk appears to give you so much security. You’re already claiming them before they’ve even fully made up their mind about you. The bulk of this is on you. They were probably indecisive, vague, and bad at communication when you met them. They’re really charming, though.
Mine was a weekend live-in boyfriend. He rolled through and took my dog on walks, emptied the trash, paid for all my drinks, kept me up all night, and then he went back home. I couldn’t just cut off my feelings when he was away during the week, but he would. I was clingy. He was unresponsive. Yet, every time we got together, the promises of the almost-relationship were so real. The connection was there, and then it just wasn’t.
How to get over them: Listen to what they’re actually saying, not to what you want to hear. Usually these types will flat out tell you about their worries and doubts; you just gotta hear them. They might hide it under beautiful words, but the truth is always there. Read what they’re saying with their behavior too. Have you ever felt like their presence was forced? Did they bring up plans for the future, or did you? Do they recoil in fear at the idea of meeting your mother? Well…
At first, being forever-single bothered me. I thought I was undateable. Then I realized that that was only partially true, and not necessarily in a bad way. You could call me a tunnel-visioned career gal. I loved my work so much that it always came home with me. Still, even bosses need love, so I started dipping my toe in the dating pool again. That’s when I met—
Type 2: I Wish I Knew What They Wanted
Oh, but you do know what they want. Their silence says it all. If you find yourself in the company of someone who is making up their mind in front of your face, maybe you don’t know yourself too well either.
My emotionally unavailable lover took out his frustrations with himself on me and my body. What started out as a passionate and sexy love affair ended up in a lot of words you can’t unsay. Even sex, our only common interest, became so strained it felt like work. We couldn’t look at each other, but we’d pin each other down like it was a wrestling match. I wanted him to come out and say he wasn’t into me, but instead, I waited on a temporary situation to grow into something it would never. I don’t think I would have invested so much into this guy if I’d spent more time pouring love into myself. I asked him to provide the affection, care, attention, and companionship I was too afraid to give myself.
In the end, these types give you the resolve you want, but it’s never nice. We split ways on nasty terms. I’m pretty sure I’ve cursed his entire lineage. But you don’t have to go out like that.
How to get over them: If you’re entering a “relationship” because you’re grown and you’re finally ready for love, maybe think again. Is the person you’re involved with also ready to be in a relationship? Do they love themselves, or are you the one expected to build them up? Are they capable of loving you the way you deserve? Sometimes barging straight in with guards down can lead you straight to heartache. This guy had fizzled out in three months and I was stringing him out like expired eyeliner. Follow your intuition, read the red flags and [important!] take action when you see them!
Cornering a non-committal person into a relationship never ends well, and it can kind of put a bad taste in most people’s mouths toward dating. But not if you’re a magnet for fuckfolx! Oh, I just regrouped and attracted another type.
Type 3: I Just Want a Committed Cut Buddy
Everybody reaches the tipping point. You might get to a point where you just want some fun. That’s when these types swoop in. This type loves how independent and free thinking you are. They’ve been waiting for someone like you for a while now. And here you are in the magnificent flesh. These types just want to kick it and lick it. Your empowered self is all down with that until it feels like you’re playing more games out of bed than in.
Unfortunately, I’ve had my share of these types too. My most notable “Committed Cut Buddy” wanted to unload emotional baggage on me as pillow talk. When things were going sour in life, they wanted an ear to listen and a booty to rub on. Listening is fun, for me at least. However, whenever I tried to share things from my own life, they checked out. Fast. I got bored of being seen and not heard, so I checked out too.
How to get over them: You’re going to have to be firm with yourself. Is this even worth it anymore? Can you get some cut without all the drama? In my case, I had to straight up start blockin’ fools and coming up with some creative footwork to avoid them at the gas station. You can avoid all of that by being straight up. If it’s nothing you can talk through, maybe it’s something you shouldn’t keep trying to do.
At the end of the day, pulling yourself out of the fuckfolks force field is more about recognizing the patterns in your dating habits and calling them out for what they are. Bad or incompatible people can drift into our lives, but only we decide how long to keep them there. It’s up to you to determine what you want from your intimate life. Whether that’s a cute “cut buddy” for casual sex, a three-month situationship, or a long-term commitment, never stay with someone if it doesn’t feel right. Why put yourself through all the stress when you can just buy yourself a decent vibrator?