Dating

Relationships can be pretty difficult at times. While it’s a joy to be able to walk through life with someone you love and enjoy, it has its fair share of ups and downs. Like any great roller coaster, there’s a level of thrill accompanied by some moments of doubt. Aside from some healthy communication and compromise, you know you’ve hit a roadblock in your relationship when you find yourself in a sexual rut. Typically for those in long-term relationships, there may come a time when the spark dies down, and tension begins to brew in the bedroom instead of passion.

WHAT'S MY KINK?

It seems every person on the planet has some kind of Kink that they're either interested in trying or desperate to keep doing. Having a special kind of consensual sexual interaction that you like the most does not make you a freak, at least not anymore. Where I live in LA, entire communities of kinky people get together under a common interest, and many of those interests are not exactly mainstream. It got me thinking. What is my Kink? I'm an open-minded lady. I'm tolerant, I'm accepting, I open my arms to all kinds. So why don't I have a kink? I went on a hunt to figure it out.

WHAT IS A KINK?

Since I'm no sex-meister, I referred to Los Angeles based marriage family and sex therapist Liz Selzer-Lang, LMFT, for a professional explanation. She explained that in the professional world they don't refer to someone as having a kink:

"Kink is a broad, umbrella term that describes many forms of sexual fantasy, erotic expressions, and identities which may involve sexual AND/OR psychological role-playing, bondage and discipline, sadomasochism, and other interpersonal dynamics."

Well, discovering a kink or kinky behavior isn't so easy. I realized as unprejudiced as I am, I'm going to have to get over various social taboos and personal hang-ups, and to do that, I have to educate myself on what's out there. What are the options?

WHAT ARE POPULAR KINKS?

According to Selzer-Lang, a popular kink or kink dynamic usually involves a power exchange. And after scrolling Reddit and other popular sites she's right on, but lawd there are so many! How will I ever find mine? I had to narrow them down to the ones that kept popping up.

AGE PLAY :Young girl and an old guy or young guy old gal. I did sleep with a 26-year-old when I was 34 but don't think that counts. Definitely gonna try this one.

ROLE PLAY: 

Sex & the City & the Quarantine: What We’ve Learned About Ourselves in Isolation

It’s now January 2021, and, just like that, the United States has been in some semblance of quarantine for almost a year now. Workplaces have gone remote, masks have become a trendy fashion statement, class is now in session via Zoom, and the landscape surrounding sex and dating has changed dramatically. I couldn’t help but wonder - during a year in isolation, how have we grown in our relationships with our partners and with ourselves? How have we gotten acclimated to the “new normal” in ways we might not have even noticed in regards to our dating and sex lives? How have we become closer with our bodies and ourselves during this time of forced solitude?

Here are a few of the lessons we’ve learned about ourselves and our bodies (and our libidos) during a year-long quarantine period:

● The saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” couldn’t be more true.

Some of us may live with our partners, while some of us may live separately from them - and some of us may not be partnered up at all. Regardless, our absence (or lack thereof) from these people can skew our emotions and have us romanticizing (or dreading) certain relationships in our lives. Regardless, the old adage is true - absence makes the heart grow fonder - and quarantine surely has taught us a lot about the need for alone time. It’s healthy to have some time allotted in your day for self-care, even if you’re in a relationship.

● Communication is key.

The pandemic has changed the way we communicate with those who are significant to us. Screen time has become a substitute for face-to-face interaction, and body language and facial expressions have changed greatly with the advent of masks. Now more than ever, in all facets of our life - whether it be work, school, our social life, or the bedroom - we must communicate our wants and needs thoro

 

Lots of people have experienced sexual anxiety. Feeling anxious about our sex skills is totally normal, but it can really ruin a horny moment when it happens more than not

I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I’ve learned in therapy that anxiety is a future-oriented emotion. The majority of my anxiety comes from future-tripping – what if they have a terrible time? Maybe they think I’m too loose! I forgot to shave. They’re gonna leave me!

Because of these anxious thoughts, I try to stay present when it comes to sex and not focus on a particular outcome. What can I say? I wasn’t born knowing how to bang.

Sexual anxiety is something that people of all ages deal with, even if they consider themselves a sexual dynamo. Sometimes, this type of anxiety can be situational and pop up because of a new sexual encounter. Other people might find it hard to have great sex on a regular basis because they have an anxiety disorder. Oh hello!

 

WHAT CAUSES SEXUAL ANXIETY?

The most recognized causes of sexual anxiety are feeling insecure about how well we do in bed, what we look like, or trouble with general intimacy.

Sexual anxiety can appear differently in males and females, but for the most part, it’s related to the fear that whatever they do in the boudoir may be disappointing for their partner. Because of this fear, females may lose interest in sex, have trouble getting aroused, or have difficulty having an orgasm. It can be more obvious in males, like difficulty getting an erection, keeping an erection, or cumming too soon.

Sometimes, a past traumatic experience - possibly sexual violence can cause anxiety. Or sexual anxiety can result from the way we were raised - feelings of guilt or shame around sex and our bodies. Anyone remember the old saying - if you keep doing that, you’ll go blind! And of course, there are social expectations or “norms” th

Tension and Intention:

How Streaming Services and Intimacy Coordinators Are Changing The Sex We See on TV

Long before America had access to the internet, online porn, and OnlyFans, it focused its censorship efforts on everything except gratuitous violence.

Mainstream television, under pressure from various conservative organizations and lobbyists, held pretty fast to the notion that protecting a woman from her sexuality extended to suggestions of just-starting or just-finished coitus, and hiding everything below her collar bone under a suspiciously L-shaped bed sheet. If people were having wild, unadulterated sex they certainly didn’t want their audiences knowing about it. While we are still behind in showing full-spectrum representation and honest depictions of sex and sexuality on television, streaming services have begun to open the gates. Season 2 of Pose brought us the very moving lovemaking scene between Pray Tell (Billy Porter) and Ricky Wintour (Dyllón Burnside), two gay Black men living with HIV.

After it aired and sparked a dialogue about representation in television, Porter told The Hollywood Reporter, “That's what I love so much about television — because of multiple episodes, multiple hours, we get to see characters evolve and grow and live in a more real-time fashion.” Pose, originally owned by cable TV network FX, also streams on Netflix.

Another network that has chosen to evolve and grow and live in a more real-time fashion is HBO, which released I May Destroy You in June of 2020. The show is created, written, co-directed, and executive produced by Michaela Coel, who also plays up-and-coming writer Arabella Essiedu.

During a scene where Arabella and her date—Biagio—begin hooking up,

When's the last time you touched your vagina? And I mean really touched her? To point where you know every flap, dip, and curve in her? How about the last time you touched your breasts? Was it in a way that made you feel empowered? Like a queen? Like a goddess? If you've never felt this way while caressing your temple, first of all, yes it is possible. And second, it isn't your fault.

Hey--is my mic on? Good; I have a few things to get off my chest. To the surprise of literally no one, 2020 started ugly and it only got uglier. It’s been more than rough for everyone. This year didn’t stop at a global health pandemic and losing some of our most beloved icons; it threw in an extra helping of crazy ahhh weather too. It’s been ghastly, but like sex, life requires patience. Let’s all collectively breathe and agree to look at this from a different angle.

By Erika E. Wade

This is gonna be sad, but I believe I’m having a crisis. What if sex hasn’t led to orgasms for me in the past. What if I was so good at faking it, I fooled myself? At this age, and with the amount of sex toys I have, I’m realizing having an orgasm during sex is, well, hard. Now I know what my Big O feels like, I’m going for it at all costs. Maybe you can too.

By Jessica Buck

Provided consent is in place, taking your intimacy with someone to the next level means opening up a vulnerability that coincides with pleasure. We learn how to navigate this vulnerability with practice, but your first few times can be awkward and confusing, especially if you've received little to no true education on the physical and emotional logistics of "how to have sex." Let’s change that with a walk through of the basics of lesbian sex, because vulva on vulva action is worth the deep dive and frankly, it's the tits (pun intended).

By Gabriela Herstik

Sex should be fun, and while they’re called sex “toys” for a reason, there is still unfortunately plenty of stigma surrounding sexuality and how we enjoy it; whether the stigma is around who we engage with sexually, what we like or how we like to express ourselves. The work of unlearning harmful narratives around shame never stops! And one of the myths that we must unlearn is that liking sex toys, and bringing them into the bedroom, means that you don’t like your partner, or don’t feel like they can satisfy you sexually. The stigma around sex toys in general is extremely harmful; especially when it inhibits you from enjoying yourself during sex. And while it may seem awkward to uncomfortable to ask a partner if you can bring in a vibrator or cock ring to the bedroom, introducing toys into your sex life could be spark you need to reinvigorate your relationship, bring you closer to your partner, or simply make the sex more exciting.